I am a mother.

Georgia, age 3.5 (Photo by http://www.alaynejohnsonphotography.com/)

Hey Andrew,

There was a blog I read once about someone’s first born and how that child made that person a mother. This baby made this woman a mother. She wasn’t a mother until she saw, “two little pink lines.” Seems obvious really, but it really struck me for some reason. Georgia made me a mother. I had no idea how to be one until she came around and I’m not sure I’ll ever stop learning.

This little girl is amazing. She is so smart and opinionated. I have no idea where that will comes from (Oh wait, yes I do. It’s our side of the family.) When she was a baby, she would stare at people. I would say she was silently judging them and now I realize she was. She has so much emotion, drama, love and theatrics in her little body. Sometimes I forget she is only three. I feel like she’s a little wiser than three but then she throws a fit of epic proportions or pours hot cocoa on her floor and I remember pretty quickly.

There’s something about G that I just can’t get enough of. She’s creative, full of energy and she’s mine. Remember how you wanted to go by “Shark-boy”? Yeah, Georgia is constantly changing who she is based on what she watched recently. Here recent names have been Bubbles (Power Puff Girls), Shaggy (Scooby-Doo), and Twilight Sparkle (My Little Pony).

Violet, age 1 (Photo by http://www.alaynejohnsonphotography.com/)

This is Violet. She looks like me. Georgia looks like Matt. Violet is maybe the happiest baby I’ve ever seen. She is always smiling and has a twinkle in her eye. Georgia’s love for her is absolutely amazing. She is so understanding with her and tries to put up with Violet’s baby-ness.

Violet just turned one. There are moments that I think she looks like you. She is our ham. If she sees someone laughing at her or making a funny face, she will keep doing whatever she can to keep getting a reaction. Georgia is our more serious analytical one. She has an amazing imagination, but is more introverted than Violet. When Vi is in a crowd, she just looks around for someone to make eye contact and zeros in on them. She’s one of those kids. She also happens to be one of those kids that doesn’t sleep.

You can’t fill Violet up. She constantly wants hugs. When you pick her up, she will pat your back. It’s just too adorable. When I was pregnant with Violet, I wasn’t sure how I would find room to love another kid as much as I loved Georgia. Violet totally made room. I think my heart doubled in size. She’s such a sweet kid.

When I became a mom, a whole new wave of grief washed over me. When we lost you, I didn’t understand how anyone else felt but me. While that is still true, I caught glimpses of how mom and dad felt. I can’t even pretend to put myself in their place. It’s horrible. When I see news stories about children that have been mistreated or had too brief of a life, I have to turn away. I put myself in the parents spot and I can’t even process it. My brain can’t comprehend how someone could hurt a child.

Another wave of grief washes over me whenever I think about the relationship that you and I are missing out on as adults. Also the relationship that Matt, Georgia and Violet are missing with you. My girls will never have an uncle or cousins. That bothers me. I don’t expect this to ever go away. It’s just another time that I have to make peace with reality and live a “new normal.” I really hate those two words by the way. “New normal” ha! There’s nothing normal about loosing a sibling before they’ve had a really long and fulfilling life. Nothing.

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